Topic: How to Shoot Yourself in the Foot in Any Programming Language

How to Shoot Yourself in the Foot in Any Programming Language

The proliferation of modern programming languages (all of which seem to have stolen countless features from one another) sometimes makes it difficult to remember what language you?re currently using. This guide is offered as a public service to help programmers who find themselves in such dilemmas.

C
You shoot yourself in the foot.

C++
You accidentally create a dozen clones of yourself and shoot them all in the foot. Providing emergency medical assistance is impossible since you can?t tell which are bitwise copies and which are just pointing at others and saying, ?That?s me, over there.?

JAVA
After importing java.awt.right.foot.* and java.awt.gun.right.hand.*, and writing the classes and methods of those classes needed, you?ve forgotten what the hell you?re doing.

Ruby
Your foot is ready to be shot in roughly five minutes, but you just can?t find anywhere to shoot it.

PHP
You shoot yourself in the foot with a gun made with pieces from 300 other guns.

ASP.NET
Find a gun, it falls apart. Put it back together, it falls apart again. You try using the .GUN Framework, it falls apart. You stab yourself in the foot instead.

SQL
SELECT @ammo:=bullet FROM gun WHERE trigger = ?PULLED?;
INSERT INTO leg (foot) VALUES (@ammo);

Perl
You shoot yourself in the foot, but nobody can understand how you did it. Six months later, neither can you. (via Andy)

Javascript
YOu?ve perfected a robust, rich user experience for shooting yourself in the foot. You then find that bullets are disabled on your gun.

CSS
You shoot your right foot with one hand, then switch hands to shoot your left foot but you realize that the gun has turned into a banana.

FORTRAN
You shoot yourself in each toe, iteratively, until you run out of toes, then you read in the next foot and repeat. If you run out of bullets, you continue anyway because you have no exception-handling ability.

Modula2
After realizing that you can?t actually accomplish anything in this language, you shoot yourself in the head.

COBOL
Using a COLT 45 HANDGUN, AIM gun at LEG.FOOT, THEN place ARM.HAND.FINGER. on HANDGUN.TRIGGER and SQUEEZE. THEN return HANDGUN to HOLSTER. CHECK whether shoelace needs to be retied.

LISP
You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which
you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which
you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which
you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which
you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds ?.

BASIC
Shoot yourself in the foot with a water pistol. On big systems, continue until entire lower body is waterlogged.

FORTH
Foot in yourself shoot.

APL
You shoot yourself in the foot, then spend all day figuring out how to do it in fewer characters.

Pascal
The compiler won?t let you shoot yourself in the foot.

SNOBOL
If you succeed, shoot yourself in the left foot.
If you fail, shoot yourself in the right foot.

Concurrent Euclid
You shoot yourself in somebody else?s foot.

HyperTalk
Put the first bullet of the gun into the foot of the left leg of you.
Answer the result.

Motif
You spend days writing a UIL description of your foot, the trajectory, the bullet, and the intricate scrollwork on the ivory handles of the gun. When you finally get around to pulling the trigger, the gun jams.

Unix
% ls
foot.c foot.h foot.o toe.c toe.o
% rm * .o
rm: .o: No such file or directory
% ls
%

Paradox
Not only can you shoot yourself in the foot, your users can too.

Revelation
You?ll be able to shoot yourself in the foot just as soon as you figure out what all these bullets are for.

Visual Basic
You?ll shoot yourself in the foot, but you?ll have so much fun doing it that you won?t care.

Prolog
You tell your program you want to be shot in the foot. The program figures out how to do it, but the syntax doesn?t allow it to explain.

Ada
After correctly packaging your foot, you attempt to concurrently load the gun, pull the trigger, scream and shoot yourself in the foot. When you try, however, you discover that your foot is of the wrong type.

Assembly
You try to shoot yourself in the foot only to discover you must first reinvent the gun, the bullet, and your foot. After that?s done, you pull the trigger, the gun beeps several times, then crashes.

370 JCL
You send your foot down to MIS with a 4000-page document explaining how you want it to be shot. Three years later, your foot comes back deep-fried.

Python
You try to shoot yourself in the foot but you just keep hitting the whitespace between your toes.

Re: How to Shoot Yourself in the Foot in Any Programming Language

ROFL, that was a nice read ^^

3 (edited by zaher 2006-10-04 22:24)

Re: How to Shoot Yourself in the Foot in Any Programming Language

Pascal
You want to fill your gun with a bullet, but you can not find any one of it.

Visual Basic
You shoot your foot, but the bullet just drop down to your foot.

If your people come crazy, you will not need to your mind any more.

4 (edited by Jansson 2006-10-04 23:42)

Re: How to Shoot Yourself in the Foot in Any Programming Language

Perl
You shoot yourself in the foot, but nobody can understand how you did it. Six months later, neither can you.

Haha, that one's so true big_smile

Re: How to Shoot Yourself in the Foot in Any Programming Language

snapsolutions wrote:

C
You shoot yourself in the foot.

More like "You try to shoot yourself in the foot, but misplace the foot, and the bullet hits your videocard, causing a permanent streak in your eye" ... not that that happend to me... roll

echo "deadram"; echo; fortune;

6

Re: How to Shoot Yourself in the Foot in Any Programming Language

CSS
Firefox users shoot themselves in the right foot. Opera users shoot themselves in the left foot because they have to be different. IE6 users keep shooting but their feet vanish everytime they pull the trigger. IE5 Mac users can't shoot because nobody would trust them with a loaded gun.

Re: How to Shoot Yourself in the Foot in Any Programming Language

Haha

Re: How to Shoot Yourself in the Foot in Any Programming Language

nice big_smile

Making the world a better place one byte at a time.

Re: How to Shoot Yourself in the Foot in Any Programming Language

reminds me of the if x made toasters: http://monster-island.org/tinashumor/humor/toaster.html
and of the very similar other thing.. I can't find it though sad
btw I found this on there dated 1991 <_<

also:
http://monster-island.org/tinashumor/hu … jokes.html these had me ROFL so lol

and on that site:

From: Alex Lopez-Ortiz
Subject:VI manual pages
Date: 27 Feb 91 11:30:04 GMT

A few days ago, we were trying to explain to a MS-DOS user how the VI editor works. Here's what we come up with:


Vi is an editor with two distinguished modes:


In Edit mode you have all the capabilities of grandma's typewriter right under your finger tips! You can make the very same mistakes as you did with grany's typewriter (and your possibilities to correct them are about the same).

That's why Vi was provided with a second mode, namely the Beep mode. On a vt100 terminal or compatible you can get into Beep mode by pressing an arrow or escape function key. In this powerful Beep mode even the more inocuos keystroke will promptly produce a Beep sound. As an example, arrows, return, blankspaces and most capital letters will produce beeps in the most arbitrary places of the screen. Just think about the whole world of possibilities that this mode gives to you:

    * Compose a monotonic symphony or rap while editing your thesis!

    * Send messages in morse code to the secretary next door!

    * Keep yourself awake with the clear sound of the Beep tone!

The possibilities are up to you!

and lol, here is the best one ever written in my opinion (it may offend some people, so discression...)

IN THE BEGINNING
[author unknown]

In the beginning there was the computer. And God said

%Let there be light!

#Enter user id.

%God

#Enter password.

%Omniscient

#Password incorrect. Try again.

%Omnipotent

#Password incorrect. Try again.

%Technocrat

#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.
%Let there be light!

#Unrecognizable command. Try again.
%Create light

#Done

%Run heaven and earth

#And God created Day and Night. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.
#Approx. funds remaining: $92.50.

#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Monday, March 2.
%Let there be firmament in the midst of water and light
#Unrecognizable command. Try again.
%Create firmament

#Done.

%Run firmament

#And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Monday, March 2.
#Approx. funds remaining: $84.60.

#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.
%Let the waters under heaven be gathered together unto one place and let the dry land appear and

#Too many characters in specification string. Try again.
%Create dry_land

#Done.

%Run firmament

#And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.
#Approx. funds remaining: $65.00.

#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.
%Create lights in the firmament to divide the day from the night
#Unspecified type. Try again.

%Create sun_moon_stars

#Done

%Run sun_moon_stars

#And God created the heavens. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.
#Approx. funds remaining: $54.00.

#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.
%Create fish

#Done

%Create fowl

#Done

%Run fish, fowl

#And God created the great sea monsters and every living creature that creepeth wherewith the waters swarmed after its kind and every winged fowl after its kind. And God saw there were 0 errors.

#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.
#Approx. funds remaining: $45.00.

#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Friday, March 6.
%Create cattle

#Done

%Create creepy_things

#Done

%Now let us make man in our image

#Unspecified type. Try again.

%Create man

#Done

%Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth and subdue it and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the fowl of the air and over every living thing that creepeth upon the earth

#Too many command operands. Try again.
%Run multiplication

#Execution terminated. 6 errors.

%Insert breath

#Done

%Run multiplication

#Execution terminated. 5 errors.

%Move man to Garden of Eden

#File Garden of Eden does not exist.

%Create Garden.edn

#Done

%Move man to Garden.edn

#Done

%Run multiplication

#Execution terminated. 4 errors.

%Copy woman from man

#Done

%Run multiplication

#Execution terminated. 3 errors.

%Insert woman into man

#Illegal parameters. Try again.

%Insert man into woman

#Done

%Run multiplication

#Execution terminated. 2 errors.

%Create desire

#Done

%Run multiplication

#And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.

%Create freewill

#Done

%Run freewill

#And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.

%Undo desire

#Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
%Destroy freewill

#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
#Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.

%Help

#Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
#Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.

%Create tree_of_knowledge

#And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.

%Create good, evil

#Done

%Activate evil

#And God saw he had created shame.
#Warning system error in sector E95. Man and woman not in Garden.edn.
#1 errors.

%Scan Garden.edn for man, woman

#Search failed.

%Delete shame

#Shame cannot be deleted once evil has been activated.
%Destroy freewill

#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
#Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.

%Stop

#Unrecognizable command. Try again
%Break
%Break
%Break

#ATTENTION ALL USERS *** ATTENTION ALL USERS:
COMPUTER GOING DOWN FOR REGULAR DAY OF MAINTENANCE AND REST IN FIVE MINUTES. PLEASE LOG OFF.

%Create new world

#You have exceeded your allocated file space. You must destroy old files before new ones can be created.

%Destroy earth

#Destroy earth: Please confirm.

%Destroy earth confirmed

#COMPUTER DOWN *** COMPUTER DOWN. SERVICES WILL RESUME SUNDAY, MARCH 8 AT 6:00 AM. YOU MUST SIGN OFF NOW.

#And God logged off at 11:59:59 PM, Friday, March 6.
#Approx. funds remaining: $0.00.

Re: How to Shoot Yourself in the Foot in Any Programming Language

lol tongue

11

Re: How to Shoot Yourself in the Foot in Any Programming Language

Take a look at this threads ID big_smile

(13370)

Re: How to Shoot Yourself in the Foot in Any Programming Language

Oh, the 1337-ness yikes

And in 7 minutes it's 13:37 yikes

13

Re: How to Shoot Yourself in the Foot in Any Programming Language

scary... in 3 hours on my personal made up time and 11 minutes its 13:37 here....

14

Re: How to Shoot Yourself in the Foot in Any Programming Language

haha, I saw this a couple weeks ago, on digg, still, very funny smile

~Chad

Super Tech Audio Netcast
[img]http://img.vsig.org/chad.gif[/img]

Re: How to Shoot Yourself in the Foot in Any Programming Language

superb
That how the things are going on

The poor horseman without horses
www.galopp-sport.eu

http://claimid.com/jlangrock
[img]http://claimid.com/images/hcard.gif[/img]

16 (edited by devinkray 2006-12-01 04:16)

Re: How to Shoot Yourself in the Foot in Any Programming Language

Not real programming language but its still funny:

Wiki
You try to shoot yourself in the foot but users keep editing out the gun.

-----

HTML
You shoot yourself in the foot, again, again, and again. (because you can't include common headers + footers)

17

Re: How to Shoot Yourself in the Foot in Any Programming Language

Haskell:
You have to create an entirely new world in which your foot is shot with the FootShooting monad.

18

Re: How to Shoot Yourself in the Foot in Any Programming Language

funny stuff here ^^